Today’s headlines:
* Weal-er dealer trashes Bondi Bentley: It has long been a tradition for the Judd cup team to host a pre-match Strategy session at Ryan’s Bar, and last Friday was no different. In between rounds of “schooie schooie moi moi’s” amateur meteorologist, Nick “Wiki-leaks” Weal, felt a sprinkle of precipitation strike his schooner arm and was immediately inspired. Sources report that the young Dome prodigy decided to pitch the brainstrust a winning formula from his home town of Moree, that is the infamous practice of “Running the Gauntlet”. Details of the plan are hazy, however club legend Benny Abrahams informs the Newsletter that the strategy is not one that is alien to Colleagues rugby, and it essentially involved “inhaling as many darts, and cans of black rats as you can, and praying like #$%* that it rains enough for a wash out”. The plan won resounding support, so much so that Weal called in a favour from the Russian Club on Bondi Rd, to “boost” a post on the Player Portal reporting that Saturday games were in fact washed out. Considering the player portals previous top post had a staggering 2 likes, the feat was easily achieved and the club rejoiced over a few sugar cane champagnes. Unfortunately for our resident Kiwi dating app enthusiast, Mike Bentley, the #FakeNews did not agree with his stomach at 10am when he proceeded to “regale” his fellow Colleagues with an itemized list of his previous night’s beverage selection and the remains of a late night lamb sandwich. Despite all this, Pundits have applauded Weal’s ploy, as it appeared to give the Dome a mental edge over the much more sober Waverley opponent, with Laurie’s men running out victors 14 spews to nil (14-7 in the traditional scoring system).
* One Hoppa gives digits, whilst other takes a righteous path: Colleagues stalwarts and local lotharios, the Hoppa brothers, usually present a united front in matters of the heart. However younger brother, Harry, was left dumbstruck last Saturday when his older brother “dragged the good Hoppa name through the mud!”. In a tell all, Harry proudly reported in to his fellow Juddies, his recent chaperoning of some fine young eastern suburbs ladies following “a quick exchange of digits” last ladies day. After reporting back to the family scoreboard, adjudicated by their mother, Mrs Hoppa, Harry was shocked to find he had just lapped older brother, Patrick’s weekly count. When investigating the scoring anomaly, Hoppa Snr confessed at the family dinner that he had refused a 4am Manly request to “Save myself for the Judd game at 10am”. As a puritan whose six pack “hasn’t seen a carb since the 10th grade”, Hoppa Snr had missed teammate, Nick Weal’s, strategy guide and instead spent Friday night doing sets of burpees whilst polishing his Blood Orange v8 Holden Ute until 2am in the morning. Experts and close followers of Keeping up with the Hoppa’s, are predicting Patrick’s 26 year tenancy at the family’s Bellevue Hill estate to be on “thin ice” following his fall from grace.
* Local scaffolding company shuts down for the weekend due to Waters damage: Local scaffolding entrepreneurs are up in arms this week having to shut down a major Bondi construction site following a “Working Visa raid” by Kentwell coach, Ben Waters. Anonymous sources report, towing the amateur Rugby line, the cunning Waters has employed good old fashioned blackmail to his recruitment arsenal, and landed a whopping 5 kiwis to swell the Kentwell ranks this week. Fortunately for Waters, the new colleagues “bros” were not up to date with the latest immigration laws, and as such didn’t realise that they didn’t ever need a visa to work in Australia, nor was esteemed local resident, President Trumbull, planning to build a wall at Bondi Junction. Asked for comment, recruit Charlie McDonald, stated “Bro, all I am interested in is hanging out with the Hoppa brothers at the Sheaf after the game, and getting that KFC bucket DK promised me if I brought the cuzzies down”. In related news, Waters also now owns the very shameful club record of fielding a Kentwell team with the least amount of GPS Private School graduates in club history. If the game on Saturday comes down to a family net-worth tie breaker, Colleague’s rugby is for the first time in a long time looking vulnerable. Fortunately for Waters, the game will be played on the rugby ground and not the ASX.
